I'm married to a marriage counselor. You know what that means, don't you? We live in a fish bowl. What he teaches, we get (or have) to practice!
Recently, I talked him into transferring his premarital material and seminar into a Workbook. For the past month, we've been working very closely on this project--writing, editing, debating...do you get the picture? Little did I know that many of the principles in the Workbook, such as the 8 Steps to Conflict Resolution would become our closest companions during this last month!
There is a reason that my husband Roger spends so many hours each week helping couples learn better ways to communication: the odds of staying in a healthy and happy lifelong marriage are diminishing.
In a 2008 Barna Group Survey the latest statistics on marriage and divorce were revealed:
4 in 5 of us will be married at least once, and
1 in 3 will be divorced at least once.
Are there preventative measures couples can take to keep their relationships strong and fulfilling? Yes, of course! Be intentional in your communication, affection, and support of each other.
In our new book, Seriously Dating or Engaged, Roger teaches couples (before and after marriage) how to stay connected to each other with five simple actions in five minutes or less--the exercise is called the Daily 5 A's:
1. Affection--Give each other a kiss, a hug, a loving touch...
2. Affirmation--Give each other a word of thanks, admiration, or encouragement.
3. Apology--Ask, "Is there any way I hurt you today?" (This is not conflict resolution, just a "quick" amend.)
4. Ask--Ask, "Is there anything I can do for you today?" (Offer to help meet a practical need.)
5. Amen--Spiritually connect with each other by asking, "How can I pray for you?" (Pray for something specific for your partner.)
The Daily 5 A'sare short (little) statements than can change your relationship in a big way. It will happen immediately! Sparks start flying as you recall those spontaneous, quirky things that made you love (and choose) your mate!
Be encouraged,
Becky
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Binge Drinking Baby Boomers
In the past few years, I’ve visited over twenty-five college campuses, often talking to students about binge drinking—and believe me, college students from every type of university (religious, private, state) are struggling with alcohol. (Studies show that 41% of college students are binge drinkers. One very thorough study by the Harvard School of Health College Alcohol Study is available online.)
But recently, Duke Medical Center's National Survey on Drug Use and Health was released on August 17, 2009, suggesting that Baby Boomers--especially women--were increasingly becoming binge drinkers. (What is binge drinking? Five or more drinks at a time qualify as binge drinking, and someone who has two or more drinks a day is considered an “at risk” drinker.)
In the USA Today article, professor of psychiatry, Dan Blazer, the lead researcher of the Duke study said, ""We typically think of binge drinking as something that occurs with young people such as college students, and here we have examples of older closet drinkers," Blazer says. The nationally representative study, Blazer says, also found that people don't tend to change such behavior as they get older." We may see some younger people's patterns continue and become even more problematic," he says. "You may think that you are more tolerant and your health is just as good or better than it was 20 or 30 years ago, but it's not."”
As a coach and recovered alcoholic, I talk to women of all ages—in their teens, twenties, thirties, forties, and fifties—who are stepping on the line between “at risk” and “binge” drinking. Usually, after it's too late--and some damage has been done--they get help. Why won't they admit they have a problem with alcohol sooner? Because they don’t want stop getting what it gives them. Alcohol changes the way we feel about things—it can momentarily lift us out the dumps, temporarily make us feel happy when we're sad, and very often it lies to us. But most dangerously, it can repress us our inhibitors (those built-in red flags that warn and protect us).
Honestly, I didn't need a national study to confirm that women of all ages are turning to alcohol as their drug of choice to alleviate stress, hide fear or shame, manage depression, shutdown inhibitors, and temporarily improve their moods. I have a number of friends who are either struggling or have recently gone through treatment; and they are not college students. What started out as “once-in-a-while” drinking became an everyday thing and eventually a hidden habit. Their lives—and their family’s lives—have been forever impacted.
The National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism suggest four questions can help assess if you, or someone you love, have a problem with alcohol.
1. Have you ever felt you should cut down on your drinking?
2. Have people annoyed you by criticizing your drinking?
3. Have you ever felt bad or guilty about your drinking?
4. Have you ever had a drink first thing in the morning to steady your nerves or to get rid of a hangover?
One "yes" answer suggests a possible alcohol problem. More than one "yes" answer means it is highly likely that a problem exists. If you think that you or someone you know might have an alcohol problem, it is important to see a doctor or other health care provider right away. They can help you determine if a drinking problem exists and plan the best course of action.
Whether you’re a Baby Boomer, a college student, the parent of a teenager, or the child of an alcoholic, take some time to talk with those you love about binge drinking. One little conversation can change--if not save--a life!
Be encouraged,
Becky
But recently, Duke Medical Center's National Survey on Drug Use and Health was released on August 17, 2009, suggesting that Baby Boomers--especially women--were increasingly becoming binge drinkers. (What is binge drinking? Five or more drinks at a time qualify as binge drinking, and someone who has two or more drinks a day is considered an “at risk” drinker.)
In the USA Today article, professor of psychiatry, Dan Blazer, the lead researcher of the Duke study said, ""We typically think of binge drinking as something that occurs with young people such as college students, and here we have examples of older closet drinkers," Blazer says. The nationally representative study, Blazer says, also found that people don't tend to change such behavior as they get older." We may see some younger people's patterns continue and become even more problematic," he says. "You may think that you are more tolerant and your health is just as good or better than it was 20 or 30 years ago, but it's not."”
As a coach and recovered alcoholic, I talk to women of all ages—in their teens, twenties, thirties, forties, and fifties—who are stepping on the line between “at risk” and “binge” drinking. Usually, after it's too late--and some damage has been done--they get help. Why won't they admit they have a problem with alcohol sooner? Because they don’t want stop getting what it gives them. Alcohol changes the way we feel about things—it can momentarily lift us out the dumps, temporarily make us feel happy when we're sad, and very often it lies to us. But most dangerously, it can repress us our inhibitors (those built-in red flags that warn and protect us).
Honestly, I didn't need a national study to confirm that women of all ages are turning to alcohol as their drug of choice to alleviate stress, hide fear or shame, manage depression, shutdown inhibitors, and temporarily improve their moods. I have a number of friends who are either struggling or have recently gone through treatment; and they are not college students. What started out as “once-in-a-while” drinking became an everyday thing and eventually a hidden habit. Their lives—and their family’s lives—have been forever impacted.
The National Institute of Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism suggest four questions can help assess if you, or someone you love, have a problem with alcohol.
1. Have you ever felt you should cut down on your drinking?
2. Have people annoyed you by criticizing your drinking?
3. Have you ever felt bad or guilty about your drinking?
4. Have you ever had a drink first thing in the morning to steady your nerves or to get rid of a hangover?
One "yes" answer suggests a possible alcohol problem. More than one "yes" answer means it is highly likely that a problem exists. If you think that you or someone you know might have an alcohol problem, it is important to see a doctor or other health care provider right away. They can help you determine if a drinking problem exists and plan the best course of action.
Whether you’re a Baby Boomer, a college student, the parent of a teenager, or the child of an alcoholic, take some time to talk with those you love about binge drinking. One little conversation can change--if not save--a life!
Be encouraged,
Becky
Sunday, August 16, 2009
Second Chances
This week, Michael Vick, former Atlanta Falcons quarterback who lost everything after serving a two year prison sentence for running an illegal dog-fighting ring has been given a second chance. Not only has he been hired by the Philadelphia Eagles, but he's been given a strong mentor in the author of Quiet Strength and former coach, Tony Dungy, who has been assigned to guide Vick through re-entry back into work and life.
Having served jail time and along with continued and required community service, a majority of people (reporters, citizens, coaches and athletes) agree that Vick deserves an opportunity to start over.
I can honestly say that there is nothing more "life changing" than being given a second chance.
When you don't deserve people's forgiveness, when you've hurt everyone you love, when you've lost everything, changing your life seems impossible. But it's not. You may not have money or friends or family, but you have time. You have time, every single day to (1) learn something new--a foreign language, a trade, a skill, (2) to make amends with those you've hurt, (3) to come under the mentorship of a strong leader, and (4) to pray.
I'm a firm believer that big results are achievable when you make little changes--one day at a time. You get sober one day at a time. You stay married one day at a time. You can only exercise one day at a time. You get closer to the people you love one day at a time.
If you need a second chance, if you feel overwhelmed, or if you need to start over, don't wait another day. Get on your knees today and ask God to help you. I can vouch for Him; He is a God of second chances...
Be encouraged,
Becky
Having served jail time and along with continued and required community service, a majority of people (reporters, citizens, coaches and athletes) agree that Vick deserves an opportunity to start over.
I can honestly say that there is nothing more "life changing" than being given a second chance.
When you don't deserve people's forgiveness, when you've hurt everyone you love, when you've lost everything, changing your life seems impossible. But it's not. You may not have money or friends or family, but you have time. You have time, every single day to (1) learn something new--a foreign language, a trade, a skill, (2) to make amends with those you've hurt, (3) to come under the mentorship of a strong leader, and (4) to pray.
I'm a firm believer that big results are achievable when you make little changes--one day at a time. You get sober one day at a time. You stay married one day at a time. You can only exercise one day at a time. You get closer to the people you love one day at a time.
If you need a second chance, if you feel overwhelmed, or if you need to start over, don't wait another day. Get on your knees today and ask God to help you. I can vouch for Him; He is a God of second chances...
Be encouraged,
Becky
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Column One: Draw a Line in the Sand
Along with five other memorable and accomplished men, Rod Woodson, a defensive legend for the Pittsburgh Steelers was inducted into the 2009 Class of the NFL Hall of Fame this past weekend. (Click the link to view his acceptance speech.)
His story is inspiring, his football achievements are impressive and he's a really humble guy. But his comments in an interview after the ceremony were the words that prompted me to write this column. He said, “Four years ago, I quit drinking because I have young kids and I can’t ask them to do something I won’t do.” He knows, like I know, that athletes and alcohol, especially in high school and college, go hand in hand. And as an athlete, coach, or even more importantly as a parent, you possess a lot of power to influence those around you. And if you haven't noticed, this young generation needs and wants to know it is possible to effectively and happily live above the temptations and pressures of this culture.
This year I celebrated my 31st year of sobriety. One day, like Woodson, I drew a line in the sand.
And like Woodson, I became more courageous to stop doing something--that was fun and popular by the world's standards--when I realized that I had young people watching me, counting on me. They were begging for role models who would stay sober or stay married and say, “Follow me" without being afraid to be a leader who makes it to the end of the race.
If you are a coach, a teacher, a boss, or parent, one of the most powerful tools that you possess is the ability to draw a line in the sand in an area of your life where others are counting on you. If you can say, “no” to something that everyone else is doing, you'll give others strength. If you can say, “never again,” you'll give others hope that they too can do something difficult.
Little changes do turn into big results...one decision, one day, one line in the sand at a time.
Be encouraged,
Becky
His story is inspiring, his football achievements are impressive and he's a really humble guy. But his comments in an interview after the ceremony were the words that prompted me to write this column. He said, “Four years ago, I quit drinking because I have young kids and I can’t ask them to do something I won’t do.” He knows, like I know, that athletes and alcohol, especially in high school and college, go hand in hand. And as an athlete, coach, or even more importantly as a parent, you possess a lot of power to influence those around you. And if you haven't noticed, this young generation needs and wants to know it is possible to effectively and happily live above the temptations and pressures of this culture.
This year I celebrated my 31st year of sobriety. One day, like Woodson, I drew a line in the sand.
And like Woodson, I became more courageous to stop doing something--that was fun and popular by the world's standards--when I realized that I had young people watching me, counting on me. They were begging for role models who would stay sober or stay married and say, “Follow me" without being afraid to be a leader who makes it to the end of the race.
If you are a coach, a teacher, a boss, or parent, one of the most powerful tools that you possess is the ability to draw a line in the sand in an area of your life where others are counting on you. If you can say, “no” to something that everyone else is doing, you'll give others strength. If you can say, “never again,” you'll give others hope that they too can do something difficult.
Little changes do turn into big results...one decision, one day, one line in the sand at a time.
Be encouraged,
Becky
Thursday, August 6, 2009
Little Changes Big Results™
I've decided to write a weekly column called Little Changes Big Results™ starting Monday, August 10th. I'll post each Sunday night and give you a great, practical tip for improving your health, relationships, time management, and spiritual life! Start the week out with me! If you have a question or comment, please post it--everyone is welcome and I'll do my best to respond you!
Be encouraged!
Becky
Be encouraged!
Becky
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