Understanding Grief

Today, our nation grieves the loss of those who died on September 11th, 2001.  Through religious services, silence observed at athletic events, and ceremonies held in the cities most impacted by the terrorist attacks ten years ago, we remember.

It was the sacred and emotional ceremony that took place this morning at the beautiful 9/11 Memorial at Ground Zero in New York City that caused me to choke back tears. Water streaming over the sides of the memorial pool, then gently rolling toward its center, only to slip into a deep and unseen place seemed a perfect way to reflect on each life that had been lost but not forgotten.

These national ceremonies remind us that grief and loss are part of life.

In the past few months, I've experienced the loss of a family member and a friend. What I have found is that everyone experiences grief differently. Yet knowing how to help those who are grieving begins with understanding those differences.

Studies show that men experience grief differently than women:  

“No matter what sex, we oscillate between positive and negative emotions, between waves of sadness about the loss and hope for the future,” he said in a telephone interview. “This can be frustrating for men, who often seek the ‘quick-fix’ approach.” Sherry Schachter, director of bereavement services at Calvary Hospital in the Bronx and a grief specialist for 25 years, said in a telephone interview: “While women grieve intuitively, open to expressing their feelings, men are ‘instrumental’ grievers. They’re not comfortable with talking about their feelings, and they prefer to do things to cope.” In a men’s group she has run for the last few years, she said, “I never ask, ‘How do you feel?’ Rather, I ask, ‘What did you do?’ ”  

How do children process grief?

The Child and Teen Program at Hospice and Palliative Care of Western Colorado suggests helping kids process their grief through artwork:

   “…grief can be a complicated emotion for kids to deal with. Whether they're dealing with a lost loved one or a sick family member, putting their emotions on paper can help kids better express how they feel.  "I think it makes all the difference," says art therapist Joni Beckner.  Beckner works with kids from age 3 to 18. With markers, ink and paint, they put their feelings of loss and grief on canvas.  "For situations like this, with loss and trauma," she says, "often there are no words to really articulate the experience and what's felt."  A therapist can learn a lot from what a child creates, for instance scenes with their family. The art can also be used to gauge how a child is dealing with grief."  

You don’t have to be a therapist to help others process their grief.

But to most effective, you might just need to make a few little changes in the way you communicate or approach men, women, or children who are grieving.  You can always be a good listener, provide warm meals, ask the right questions, or offer to attend a grief group with someone who is grieving.

Today, we remember the lives of those we’ve lost and love.

Be encouraged,

Becky